


So this is love

by JustAnAwkwardLemon



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Valentine's Day, i mean theyre both so stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29403993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAwkwardLemon/pseuds/JustAnAwkwardLemon
Summary: It was Valentine’s day, and Jim was absolutely hating it.Everybody on the ship was darting about, brandishing cards and gifts, and people were…embracing in hallways. Everywhere he walked Jim could see couples holding hands and kissing and stumbling into secluded corners together not-at-all-discreetly. It was, without a doubt, completely sickening. Seeing dozens of couples simper and smile at each other only served as a reminder to Jim that Spock didn’t love him back; and it left a bitter taste in his mouth.In which Jim wants to give Spock a Valentine's card, Spock just wants to tell his Captain he loves him, and Bones would really like to go on his date now please.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 18
Kudos: 95





	So this is love

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!!!  
> no i didn't get inspiration for this and then give up on sleep entirely to write it what are you saying.  
> essentially, this is just another fic where i use italics wayyyyy to much  
> (also i am british so i apologise for any differences in spelling!)  
> enjoy! <3

It was Valentine’s day, and Jim was absolutely hating it.

Everybody on the ship was darting about, brandishing cards and gifts, and people were…embracing in hallways. Everywhere he walked Jim could see couples holding hands and kissing and stumbling into secluded corners together not-at-all-discreetly. It was, without a doubt, completely sickening.

Not because it was inappropriate or unprofessional. No, Jim didn’t care about _that_. It wasn’t like he was going to be winning an award for ‘most professional’ anytime soon. What he _did_ care about was the person who probably would win the award for being most professional. Spock. Seeing dozens of couples simper and smile at each other only served as a reminder to Jim that Spock didn’t love him back; and it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

And the worst part was, even _Bones_ had a date – although, he flat out refused to tell Jim who it was.

‘For the last time Jim, I’m not telling you. You’ll only give me shit for it’

So it stood that Jim – the ship’s resident _playboy_ – appeared to be the only person without a date on the actual day of love. A cruel twist of fate, clearly.

A sharp, stinging pain in his arm dragged him from his thoughts, and he turned to see Bones sticking a hypo into the muscle of his arm with an evil grin on his face. Jim let out a shrieky yelp.

‘Ow! _Shit_ , Bones, give me a warning next time!’

‘It’s actually supposed to hurt less when you don’t know it’s coming, idiot.’ Bones retorted distractedly, flipping through different reports.

‘Oh. Well. I suppose that’s true. But it still hurt like a bitch’ Jim fired back.

Bones blinked at him, unamused. ‘Boohoo, next time don’t eat shit you’re allergic to.’ he said, tone flat and disinterested.

They really were best friends.

Jim smiled back cheerily, standing up from the medical cot he’d been perched on. Just as he was making to leave, Bones tapped him on the shoulder.

‘Hold on there Kirk, I’m not done with you yet’

‘What? But I’m totally fine, you _just_ checked my vitals!’ Jim whined.

Something in Bones’ expression told him they weren’t talking about vitals.

‘Jim’

‘Bones’

‘Are you going to tell him?’

‘I don’t understand the question.’

‘ _Jim_. Would you please just tell him? I can’t handle another _day_ of watching you mope about because you’ve convinced yourself he doesn’t feel the same’

‘I don’t _mope-_ ’

‘ _Yes_. _Yes_ you do, and I actually refuse to watch it anymore’

‘So close your eyes’ _okay,_ Jim admitted to himself, _that perhaps wasn’t the best comeback ever._

‘Just tell him. Anyone with eyes can see that you and the hobgoblin are head over heels for each other, so quit delaying and just tell him. Today.’ Bones sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

‘What if you’re wrong? What if I tell him, and he just… _laughs_ , at me or something?’

‘Jim if you make him laugh you’ve already achieved the impossible, dating him’ll be a breeze.’

‘ _Bones.’_ Jim snapped.

‘Alright! Just trust me when I say it’ll work out. When have I ever been wrong?’ Bones winked.

Jim scrambled for words. ‘Constantly! You always get stuff wrong! This does _not_ encourage me!’

‘ _Constantly_ is a bit of an exaggeration, but whatever. Point is, this time I know what I’m talking about.’

‘I’m just not so sure-’

‘Trust me!’ Bones said, as he turned to exit the medical bay.

‘Wait, Bones!’

‘Trust me!’ He shouted over his shoulder.

‘ _Bones!_ ’

*

As he trudged back down the corridors to his room, Jim was still reeling from his conversation with Bones. Maybe he was right. Maybe Jim _should_ just get it over with and tell Spock. But what if he told him, and Spock didn’t feel the same? Alright, he probably wouldn’t laugh, but things would be different. Spock would draw back, and probably be all quiet and distant from him. They would barely even be friends anymore, and Jim desperately didn’t want to lose that.

For the past few months, every time they played chess together Jim could _feel_ how much more comfortable Spock was becoming around him. The air between them loosened, and conversation flew naturally. They’d stopped just talking about their work, they’d gotten to the point where they would trade anecdotes, stories, make jokes. It was…nice. Of course, it didn’t help that Jim _also_ noticed that the more and more their relationship grew, so did his feelings. At first, they were hardly noticeable, gently simmering far beneath the surface. But now, now his emotions roared and bubbled angrily, screaming so loudly he was certain Spock must have noticed by now. But if he had, he didn’t say anything, so their amicable rapport continued.

But Bones did have a point; Jim sort of had been moping – if only a little bit. And maybe it did make sense to do something about it.

But he didn’t precisely know what he should do. Spock wasn’t exactly like other people he’d dated before. Candlelit dinners and moonlit walks on the beach didn’t quite work, what with being in space. He wracked his brains, trying to picture what usually happened in movies. People would throw rocks at windows, and make long dramatic confessions of love whilst blaring music from a boombox. Jim almost laughed when he pictured Spock's face if he showed up and chucked rocks at his door. Spock would probably march him straight down to the medbay to see Bones, and Jim couldn’t handle more of the interfering doctor today.

So clearly copying movies wouldn’t work.

A frown embedded into his forehead, Jim spotted a pair of crew members exchanging cutesy pink cards. Hold on. That could potentially work. Jim could just…fill this card with everything he wanted to say, so that if he wasn’t able to actually _voice_ his feelings to Spock he could just thrust the card at him and sprint out of the room. Plus, Spock was smart, right? Giving him extra reading could only be a good thing.

After reaching his rom, Jim dove into his closet, triumphantly hoicking out a cardboard box marked ‘FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS’. Before boarding the ship, Jim had had the foresight to realise situations like birthdays and Christmas and other celebrations would come up, and he had remembered to pack a bunch of different cards. Hurriedly, he started rifling through the box to see if he could discover anything with hearts on, or anything that didn’t wish the recipient a ‘happy easter’.

Finally, he spotted it. A pink, glittery card, adorned with shimmery hearts and flowers. This couldn’t be the only Valentine’s card he had. He’s _got_ to have others. But after more rootling he still came up with nothing else. Well. It was clear in its meaning, Jim could give it that much. He was just about to read the words emblazoned in bold on the front when he heard footsteps behind him. Hastily, he shoved the card up his shirt; no way was he letting his crew know what he was doing.

Whipping his head around, Jim plastered a false smile on his face, only to drop it the second he saw who had made their way into his room.

Spock.

‘Captain, I do apologise. I had knocked but received no response. I can leave if you are busy?’

Jim blinked, mouth agape. ‘Uh, no, that’s fine. As in, I’m not busy.’

‘I see’

A static pause followed.

Jim closed his mouth with a snap. ‘Sorry, I just – what can I do for you?’

Spock's face didn’t change. ‘That is perfectly alright Captain. We had previously made plans to play chess this evening’

_Chess. Right._

Jim didn’t think he could handle chess today. He had already had a whirlwind evening, adding a chess game would kill him. It would consist of maybe two _hours_ of Jim forgetting to actually play chess and instead staring at the focus and concentration in Spock’s eyes. Bones claimed that it was impossible to see any sort of emotion in those eyes; but Jim knew he was wrong. Spock had tells, okay? And Jim knew every single one of them.

Frantically, Jim tried to make excuses for why he couldn’t play.

‘Uh well actually, something has just come up-uh, work wise you know? And as the _Captain_ I sort of have to go and, you know, take care of it.’ He garbled.

Spock's eyes flickered slightly - one of his tells. ‘I understand. How serious of a situation is this?’

Shit.

‘Uh super serious, which is why I have to go…like now.’

‘Captain, if this is a serious and work-related situation surely it is most logical that the crew is alerted, and help rectify the problem?’ Spock stated, tone inflected with slight concern.

FUCK.

‘Oh! Well that would be, _logical,_ but you know, it’s Valentine’s and all, so I didn’t want to bother them with this, and now that I think of it, it’s probably not as serious as I remember, so don’t worry about the crew or anything, that’s fine.’ Was he visibly sweating? Jim was certain he had perspiration positively dripping down his forehead by this point.

‘Captain I feel obligated to point out to you that you look unwell.’

So he _was_ visibly sweating.

While lost in thought, Spock stepped closer to him.

‘Your face is flushed, you are perspiring twelve percent more than you were when I first entered the room, and-’ Spock stepped even closer and placed a firm hand on Jim’s chest. ‘and your heart is beating faster than natural for a human.’

Jim audibly gulped, and Spock's eyes glanced downwards to follow the movement in his throat.

‘Thank you for your concern, but I’m perfectly fine-just a small headache.’

‘Are you certain that is the only problem, Captain?’

Jim tried to keep eye contact, he really did, but couldn’t help shifting his eyes out of the piecing gaze of the Vulcan to stare at the floor.

‘Entirely certain, thank you, Commander.’ Jim quietly pushed out.

Then, flicking his eyes back up, Jim suddenly became aware of how close together they stood. Their feet brushed together, and their noses were practically touching. Jim unwittingly let out a yelp of surprise.

‘Sorry! I just-I’ve just-I need to go!’ He near shouted, and watched Spock's eyes widen by a fraction at the sudden volume of Jim’s voice.

Before his first officer could say anything else, Jim grabbed a heap of paper on the desk next to him, and bolted from the room.

Spock was very confused. On one hand, the Captain did sometimes take his job very seriously, even if it was at the expense of his own health. Meaning that; it was entirely plausible a problem had come up and he _didn’t_ want to bother the crew, and instead had chosen to (recklessly) deal with it alone.

However.

Spock had been standing remarkably close to the captain, and he would not lie; this had been a conscious choice. Only recently had he realised that his affections for his commanding officer may not be so obvious, and since then had been trying to…make it more obvious. Staring into his eyes whenever possible, partaking in small talk, and yes, standing unnecessarily close if he could. And yet, his efforts had gone by unnoticed. Or so he had thought, until such efforts caused Jim to positively sprint away from him.

Of course, this was unconfirmed, as Jim may well have been telling the truth. But something in Spock's head made him doubt this. Maybe Jim had been noticing Spock's efforts to convey his affections, and felt uncomfortable and subsequently had been ignoring them. Perhaps Spock's actions this evening – standing close, touching his chest – had made the captain uneasy and distressed, and _that_ was the reason he left the room so hurriedly.

Perhaps the ‘problem at work’ excuse was really just that – a made up situation created to allow the Captain to escape Spock's emotions. Because he didn’t feel the same.

Spock felt his stomach churn and head spin. He had let his emotions cloud his judgment, and consequently affected their working relationship – and personal relationship too.

*

Still winded from his hasty exit, Jim finally got the chance to write his Valentines card to Spock. Sitting down crossed-legged in a isolated corner, he pulled the card out from where he’d stuffed it up his shirt and at last got to read the letters adorning the front. His eyes widened.

\----------------------------------

| “<3 UR OUT OF THIS WORLD <3” |

\----------------------------------

Well.

It wasn’t the worst thing ever.

But by god, was it stupid.

Had the Jim from the past thought that it would be a funny joke? What, they’re in space, so they actually _are_ out of this world?

He couldn’t believe his past self. How was he supposed to confess his deep and intense feelings for Spock in a card as stupid as this? Spock was _smart._ Like, _really_ smart. So what would he say if Jim gave him this? He’d probably think it was a practical joke.

 _Although,_ Jim rationalised with himself, _we are trying to get him to date_ me _, so he’d have to get used to stupidity._

And wasn’t it more important that Spock reads what’s _inside_ the card, rather than what’s decorating it? Jim knew he was desperately trying to justify this, but to be fair, at this point there was little else he could do but soldier on with the card he had.

*

As Spock settled down into the hard plastic chairs in the mess hall, he noticed Doctor McCoy approaching in his peripheral vision and groaned internally. He had been hoping to avoid another conversation with the man.

A steely frown embellished the Doctor’s face, hard lead churning in his eyes. Spock noted the strong possibility that McCoy was holding resentment towards him.

‘Shit-head. I can’t talk for long, I actually have a date, but I felt I had to let you know you are a shithead.’

Possibility turned to actuality.

‘Doctor McCoy I do not pretend to be unaware of your anger towards me, nor do I lie about understanding the justification for it. However, I must undertake ignorance as to how all fault lies on my shoulders.’

McCoy’s frowned deepened, wrinkling the lines scattered across his face.

‘Did you tell him’ McCoy asked, a false air of sweetness coating his words.

Spock coughed; slightly, almost imperceivably. ‘I attempted to.’

‘Spock I won’t play this game, _did you tell him?’_ the sugar in his voice had hardened, and cracked.

‘No, I did not.’ Spock knew it was not the most logical idea to conceal truth from the Doctor; he had an uncanny ability to nose his way into the most intimate of secrets.

‘Why the hell not? You’ve only had the whole day!’ McCoy whispered furiously, and Spock did have to respect his discretion if nothing else.

‘I ran into an unexpected error; the Captain appears to be aware of my affections for him and dislikes them immensely.’ Spock stated calmly, pleased at how he had successfully hidden the pain this was causing him.

Doctor McCoy had evidently not been expecting this response. His eyes stretched open wider, and his mouth fell open and he discernibly searched for the correct words to say.

‘ _Dislikes_ them – but I spoke to him earlier and – how do you know this Spock, did he – did he _say_ that he didn’t feel the same?’ McCoy said urgently.

‘He did not need to. His body language indicated to me that he felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable with my actions, and he exited his quarters at an alarming speed.’

Was McCoy… _smiling_ , at this? They did not get along, but to laugh at Spock's pain was unlike the Doctor.

‘I see. Well, perhaps you don’t know body language as well as you though you did. I would suggest finding Jim and…talking this out.’

‘Doctor, I assure you, the Captain does not wish to speak with me at present.’

McCoy _was_ smiling, and it was most irregular for Spock to receive such a facial expression from him.

‘Spock, I assure _you_ , he definitely wants to talk to you.’

*

Ugh. Why was it that whenever he actually _wanted_ to find Spock he was nowhere to be found? He had looked everywhere – _everywhere_ – and couldn’t see head or tail of him. Not that Spock had a tail. Probably.

Jim had been frantically roaming the corridors of the ship for at least an hour, clutching his shabby card close to his chest with sticky fingers. He had been checking in each room he passed, and yet couldn’t find Spock. Maybe Spock just didn’t want to be found? Or maybe he was entering rooms just as Jim left them, so they were constantly dancing around each other instead of meeting.

Jim pondered what he was going to say when he did find Spock. The science officer had a mystical way of making Jim forget every word in the English language whenever he was nearby, so planning out a speech was probably the most rational course of action. But it was just so damn hard. Every time he thought of what to say his stomach rolled and shook, and it felt as though a hand was grasping violently at his heart.

Distracted in his thoughts, Jim rounded a corner and walked smack into Doctor McCoy, who promptly pointed an accusatory finger at Jim.

‘ _You!_ I can’t believe you!’ he roared, loud enough for Jim’s brain to rattle.

Jim held his hands up as if surrendering. ‘Bones! What the hell did _I_ do?’

‘That’s what I was hoping you’d explain. Tell me why I just had to – to console a miserable Vulcan, who was confused as to _why_ you ran away from him as if he had rabies!’ Bones shouted.

‘Can Vulcans even _get_ rabies?’ Jim questioned, diverted.

‘Not the point!’

‘Alright!’ Jim sighed, ‘I didn’t know it upset him, I really thought he believed my lie’ Jim explained defensively, a whiny tilt to his voice.

Bones stared at him, jaw ticking furiously. ‘I can’t believe I’m still a part of this. Look, I _really_ have places to be, so just – fix this, would you? If I have to deal with this any longer I might actually strangle you.’

‘I’ve been trying to! I’ve searched every part of this fucking ship and I can’t find him!’ exclaimed Jim noisily.

The look Bones shot at him was piecing. ‘Did you check his quarters?’ Bones drawled.

Ah. He knew there was one place he’d forgotten.

Jim hastily tried to defend himself. ‘I was – I was just going there now, actually, I thought I’d check…other places first.’

Bones had his head in his hands at this point, and groaned despairingly. ‘ _Just find him._ Or I swear to every damn god there is I will _murder_ you with no remorse.’

Jim grinned, and pulled his friend into a hug. ‘Aw Bones, you don’t have to get so mushy with me.’

‘Just piss of now, and tell him. I am so late because of you fuckers.’

Bones pulled away and started to stride furiously in the other direction. Jim suddenly deciphered his words and shouted after him.

‘Bones! Late for what?’

*

Jim was sprinting now; there was no denying it. He barrelled full pelt down the wide corridors of the ship, gripping his card with some newfound strength. He arrived at Spock's door wheezing and coughing loudly, and wasted no time by knocking once, before just pushing the door open with as much vigour as he could muster. It slammed heavily against the wall, and Jim swore it left a crack in the paint.

The second Spock saw him, he stood up from his chair, letting the book he was reading clatter to the floor.

Neither said anything.

A deafening pause fell over them, Spock stood stock-still in the centre of the room, and Jim halted at the door, panting heavily, with one hand gripping the doorframe and the other clutching his card feverishly.

Still, neither spoke.

Jim immediately realised why it had taken him so long to say anything at all to Spock; they were both, in every way, total idiots.

Spock opened his mouth, about to speak, but Jim beat him to it, stepping forwards and thrusting out his card.

They both stared down at it.

After all it’s mistreatment, it was misshapen and bent, crushed by the force of Jim’s hand as he had raced throughout the ship in pursuit of Spock. Pastel pink paper hearts were crushed, and the delicate flowers looked as though they had been stepped on. But somehow, by sheer force of will, that gross, tacky message still shone out boldly in the centre of the card.

“<3 UR OUT OF THIS WORLD <3”

Jim couldn’t believe it. _That_ was the part of it that survived?

Spock was staring hard at this message too, and for the first time in quite a few months Jim couldn’t for the life of him decrypt what he was thinking. There was…something, in his eyes, and Jim didn’t know if it was good or bad.

Fearfully, he tried to think of what to say to explain, justify, let Spock know that this _was_ serious, that as stupid and tacky as this card was, his feelings were anything but. However, this time Spock beat him to the punch.

‘Jim, may I ascertain as to what this is’ Spock’s voice was carefully neutral, his tone blank and giving nothing away. Jim’s heart sank.

‘It’s – I know it’s tacky and stupid, and a _really_ bad pun, but-’ Jim started, before Spock cut him off.

‘No, I understand the message. I found it incredibly enjoyable. Why are you giving it to me?’ A crack was beginning to appear in Spock's voice.

Jim took a deep breath. After this, he couldn’t back out.

‘The thing is, Spock, I – I-’ his breath was shaky and he tried to calm down slightly before saying what he was about to.

‘Spock the truth is I love you. I have for a while. And – and it’s becoming too…big…to just keep to myself. But I didn’t – I didn’t want you to feel as though _just_ because I feel this way that you have to as well, because you – you _don’t_ , okay? You don’t have to love me, and more than anything I just want you to be happy. And if – if not loving me is what makes you happy then, then I can deal with that, okay?’ Jim rushed out, aware that half of his words smushed into one.

Spock was silent, frozen entirely. Jim stepped backwards quickly, hands wilting.

‘ _Shit_. Shit, Spock, I’m sorry, I didn’t think that – I didn’t think you – well clearly I just didn’t _think_ at all. I’m so sorry, I wish I could take it back-’

At this, Spock's head snapped up, and finally – _finally_ – his eyes met Jim’s. Spock surged forwards, and flung his hand across Jim’s mouth, cutting off the frantic apologies the captain was making. Again, their eyes locked, and Jim would be lying if he said a shiver didn’t go down his spine at the look in Spock's eyes.

‘Captain – _Jim_ – please, do not wish such a thing. I could not bear it. In truth, I – I love you too-’ Jim’s eyes widened considerably at this, and he let out a huff of air from his nose that brushed against Spock's hand.

‘I had been under the assumption that my actions had made you uncomfortable, as this felt to be the most logical explanation for your rapid exit this afternoon. But I was – evidently, I was wrong. My affections match yours.’ Spock explained, and his voice was softer and sweeter than Jim had ever heard it.

Jim breathed out heavily through his nose, revelling in the way Spock's pupils dilated at the sensation. _Right_ , Jim recalled, _Vulcans have sensitive hands._ Slowly, Spock lowered his hand from Jim’s mouth, and Jim felt at wave of disappointment from the new lack of contact.

But he soon realised he didn’t need to feel any sort of disappointment at all. After lowering his hand, Spock began to shuffle his feet closer to Jim’s, and their eyes searched each other avidly. It was as though they were having some separate conversation with only their eyes, firing messages from pupil to pupil. Jim smiled, feeling a hand find his, and as they slotted their fingers together something just clicked between them, and Jim knew that this could never have been a mistake or an error, and _god_ , they wasted so much time together.

They were both smiling now, Jim with his mouth, Spock with his eyes, and Jim moved his body even closer, so that there was barely a millimetre separating this. Bringing his hand to rest on Spock's shoulder, Jim asked:

‘May I kiss you?’

Spock nodded instantly, and Jim closed the final gap between them by connecting their lips.

Colour burst inside of him, passion and longing swirling together in his chest. It felt as though his nerve endings were being shot with electricity a hundred times over. And when Spock moved his lips _just so_ the ache in his stomach melted into pure delight. It had never felt this way before, Jim was certain of it. Both smiled into the kiss, and (regretfully) Jim pulled back.

You would think, that at this point, Jim would have some beautiful and poetic statement to make, about the love they shared and the _intensity_ and _passion_ of the kiss.

Instead, Jim frowned, and asked. ‘I just remembered – do _you_ know Bones’ secret date? It’s been bugging me _all day_. He usually tells me these things, and-’

Spock grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him back in.

**Author's Note:**

> !!!!!!!  
> thank you for reading!!!  
> i can finally sleep  
> happy valentines day everyone!!  
> feel free to leave any constructive criticism! <3


End file.
